Friday, August 6, 2010

Life from the Couch

Just call me the couch blob. All I do is watch instant Netflix movies--documentaries about Buddhism to calm my morning sickness ravaged brain and body. My kids eat Luna bars and bagels all day, along with dried fruit--all stuff they can pilfer from the pantry.

I watch those movies to calm my mind that only wants to focus on how tired or nauseated I feel.

I try to keep stuffing food in me, usually carbs, in an attempt to keep the sickness at bay, but I am only at 6 weeks today, which is usually the START of morning sickness and I know how bad it can get--that's what depresses me--the thought of how it can get worse and worse over the NEXT 6 WEEKS-- and that also draws me toward the desire for calm and peace--which is mostly impossible when you have a 5yo and a 2yo- boys- running around. My mother graciously took the kids out shopping today (a very Buddhist activity :D) during which time I drew and meditated, which was like a vacation because finding time to meditate is few and far between, not like I ever did it *before*, when I had the time! lol But suddenly I'm craving it and wanting to take the fast route to peace in order to escape the feeling of being trapped in nausea! (all selfish reasons, but that's natural and at least it's *something* opening that part of me!)

Cravings... the weird thing about cravings is... mostly all food repulses, but then occasionally a germ of an idea about a flavor or food quality will sprout and that develops into a craving... which is something to look forward to, fulfilling that craving... it's best to be specific about the craving... sometimes I search for it... maybe based on past pregnancies... thai food, fresh summer rolls from the first... the perfect burrito with plenty of lettuce and pico de gallo, drenched in hot sauce from the second...but if it's too vague then I can't fulfill it and am left with a pseudo feeling of satiation... but when the opportunity to fulfill a craving arises and all the pieces fall into place, the result is a harmonious remedy... all the senses unite and thank the universe for that moment of indulgence... but then, the strange part is... more often than not, after the craving is filled, the object of desire becomes the object of repulsion, often inciting the same feelings of nausea that it had been the promised rectifier of! Such is the nature of the morning sickness brain!

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