Monday, August 9, 2010

Bless the Saints, Bless the Pilgrims

Noah just told me that he wanted to give Micah a new name... (names have been coming up a lot lately) He ran through a bunch of names like Frank and Johnnie and then stranger ones like Rocket Fan, each time the name not quite feeling right to him. He finally settled on Bat Jamie. My immediate thought was to check the animal totems and see what Bat represents, so I did, and Bat represents Rebirth/Transformation. Sigh... Blessings... Jamie--my cousin Jamie--was reborn and transformed just like all of us are...she completed her teaching in this life form...she participated in a powerful teaching of sorrow, reflection, forgiveness... the man and people that conspired to murder her and her two sons are the ones that will experience the most suffering from their actions, unless they continue with hardened hearts, asleep. Those who most acutely feel the loss of Jamie are given the gifts of an opened and awake heart. The suffering is present to them and they can choose what to do with it, whether to use it for helping other people, or just to harden back their own hearts. Our culture encourages us to hide the suffering of the world from our hearts and keep seeking our own desires. But when we realize that the happiness of others and the joy of others contributes to our own joy, then we can begin to open our hearts to a more peaceful way. Through rebirth and transformation. Jamie's smiling face and laugh are forever.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Sorrow and the Agony (of Morning Sickness)

The "get off me don't touch me" is totally ramping up. When my 2yo nurses he's all elbows and knees and shoulders, which before I used to just flex my muscles and take pride that I had my own personal gym machine, but now I just want to remove him from my surroundings! At night he nurses for five minutes (if I can stand it) and then it's tough love; I am so thankful that my two boys sleep together, I wouldn't be able to stand sleeping with them--if you can even call my restless insomnience sleep! LOL! It reminds me of fever sleep--never fully dissolved in the dream--waking, turning, lots of leg stretching, strange dreams, even talking in my sleep the other night--which I never do--and it scared my husband so much--who is already a worse sleeper than me even in this pregnant state--that he wanted to stay home from work (he's always thinking up excuses to stay home--every day he calls me and when I say I am a couch blob he says, "Do you want me to come home?" NOO!!! I'm pregnant, for godsakes, not dying!!)

If you are pregnant for the first time and you *feel* like you are dying or want to die or are severely depressed over your lack of ability to do anything or think a straight thought--congratulations! you are normal! When I went through this the first time my husband and I had only been together FIVE MONTHS (not yet married)! OMG, the fighting was incredible--he didn't understand what happened to me, I thought I had truly lost my marbles--why *couldn't* I do ANYTHING for weeks on end?? My husband had never seen anything like it and thought I was exaggerating! We had to go to counseling, but the smell of her plug-in air freshener was so repulsive that I just created a whole emotional ball around what was wrong with *her!* and then around that time it started to let up and "aaaaaaaaaah" I could breathe again and just tried to forget about that horrible time!

Life from the Couch

Just call me the couch blob. All I do is watch instant Netflix movies--documentaries about Buddhism to calm my morning sickness ravaged brain and body. My kids eat Luna bars and bagels all day, along with dried fruit--all stuff they can pilfer from the pantry.

I watch those movies to calm my mind that only wants to focus on how tired or nauseated I feel.

I try to keep stuffing food in me, usually carbs, in an attempt to keep the sickness at bay, but I am only at 6 weeks today, which is usually the START of morning sickness and I know how bad it can get--that's what depresses me--the thought of how it can get worse and worse over the NEXT 6 WEEKS-- and that also draws me toward the desire for calm and peace--which is mostly impossible when you have a 5yo and a 2yo- boys- running around. My mother graciously took the kids out shopping today (a very Buddhist activity :D) during which time I drew and meditated, which was like a vacation because finding time to meditate is few and far between, not like I ever did it *before*, when I had the time! lol But suddenly I'm craving it and wanting to take the fast route to peace in order to escape the feeling of being trapped in nausea! (all selfish reasons, but that's natural and at least it's *something* opening that part of me!)

Cravings... the weird thing about cravings is... mostly all food repulses, but then occasionally a germ of an idea about a flavor or food quality will sprout and that develops into a craving... which is something to look forward to, fulfilling that craving... it's best to be specific about the craving... sometimes I search for it... maybe based on past pregnancies... thai food, fresh summer rolls from the first... the perfect burrito with plenty of lettuce and pico de gallo, drenched in hot sauce from the second...but if it's too vague then I can't fulfill it and am left with a pseudo feeling of satiation... but when the opportunity to fulfill a craving arises and all the pieces fall into place, the result is a harmonious remedy... all the senses unite and thank the universe for that moment of indulgence... but then, the strange part is... more often than not, after the craving is filled, the object of desire becomes the object of repulsion, often inciting the same feelings of nausea that it had been the promised rectifier of! Such is the nature of the morning sickness brain!

Wisdom Quarterly: American Buddhist Journal: The Pregnant Nun

Wisdom Quarterly: American Buddhist Journal: The Pregnant Nun